


find a way

by kay_okay



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: 5 Things, 5+1 Things, Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Holding Hands, M/M, really i am just a sap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:27:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23182459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kay_okay/pseuds/kay_okay
Summary: Their fingers lace together, slotting into place, and Ben runs his thumb across Callum’s. It’s a quiet comfort that Callum takes gratefully.Or, five times Callum took Ben's hand and one time Ben took Callum's.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 6
Kudos: 125
Collections: Rachel's 2020 Birthday Celebration





	find a way

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RachelIsWriting](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachelIsWriting/gifts).



> happy happy birthday rachel! i hope you love this little ode and that you had a wonderful birthday. <3 
> 
> title and lyrics lifted from ["find a way" by austin basham.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAq4r6NDdfI)

_you were the water cleaning my wounds  
_ _meek was the water  
_ _meek i am too  
_ _you are my orchid covered in snow  
_ _the sun shining winter  
_ _a garden that grows  
_ _but oh, we just gotta hold on_

  
  
  
  


**1.**

  
  
  
  
  


“Where are you?”

Ben’s voice takes Callum out of his daydream. He’d been halfway through his breakfast when he’d slowed to a stop, resigned to sipping from his coffee mug while he watched Ben read his email on his phone. The cafe was packed this Sunday morning, and Callum could hear Kathy behind them laughing and talking with customers as they paid for the meals at the till.

“Sorry,” Callum says, takes another bite of his beans. “Dunno, just spaced out.”

“Not like you,” Ben says, smirking over his own mug. “Should I be worried?”

Callum smiles back at Ben, has to break their gaze. His cheeks pink every time Ben makes that face at him. This thing between them, after months of simmering, had finally come to a boil. It was so new, so shiny and fresh and spectacular and everything Callum didn’t realise he wanted and needed. Callum wasn’t sure what to do with all the emotions sometimes. 

After he broke it off with Whit, they’d had a rough start. But eventually things slid into place, puzzle pieces and keys into locks and everything Callum could never get to work with anyone else before. This felt different already, something real and proper that sat low in Callum’s chest when he thought about the man across from him, when he saw his name pop up on an incoming text, when he caught his eye across a table or a room or a bed and their gazes melted, molten.

But last night was different. Ben got to the top of Callum’s stairs and strode in, unbuttoning his coat with apologies in his eyes and _caught up at work, two days running_ , breathy and gravelled from the back of his throat, well… that was more than enough for Callum. 

Last night was… the beginning of something else. And of all the emotions, Callum decides to lean into courage for the moment.

“Thinking about last night,” he says around a less-than-eloquent bite of toast and jam. He doesn’t even look at Ben as he hears him choke on his coffee.

“Oh, _really,_ ” Ben responds. “Well, in that case. I’m all ears.”

“Had a good time’s all,” Callum responds, feigning nonchalant. He chances a look up and Ben’s the one that’s pink now, eyes sparkling and pleased and looking like the cat that got the cream.

“Is that so,” Ben tries for aloof, but he’s smiling too wide to pull it off. He takes another sip from his mug, nodding in thought. “Interesting.”

Callum laughs at him, throws a sugar packet across the table. “Don’t get too cocky.” 

“Oh come on, I think I’m allowed,” Ben catches the packet. “For the record, I had a good time too.”

Callum knows he started this line of flirting but it still stops him in his tracks to hear it aimed back it him sometimes, and he considers the weight of Ben’s confession. His mouth turns up slowly, involuntarily into a wry smile he doesn’t bother to control. “Yeah?”

“Yes Callum,” Ben answers, laughing. “ _Don’t get too cocky_ ,” he echoes.

When they finish their breakfast and Kathy waves them on, they push out of the heavy cafe doors onto the square.

“Plans today?” 

“None…” Callum shakes his head and looks up, squints a little at the uncharacteristic brightness of the sunshine against his eyes. It startles him a little but feels warming against his cheeks, and he turns to look back at Ben.

“Come back to mine? We can just relax, watch a film or something.” Ben buttons his coat. “It’ll be just you and me, house’s empty.”

Callum raises his eyebrows a fraction and Ben laughs, holds a hand up. “Nothing like that, if you —” he trips a little on his words, and it only makes Callum smile more. “No pressure.”

“I’d like that,” Callum answers, and he sees Ben exhale. Before the moment’s gone, Callum reaches forward, slides his palm against Ben’s lightly, does an inner exhale of his own when he feels Ben’s fingers tighten in return. “Lead the way.”

  
  
  
  


**2.**

  
  
  
  


Callum has no reason to be nervous. It’s not like he’s never met Ben’s family before, he sees Kathy practically every morning when he gets his coffee and she’s always perfectly lovely. Lola and Jay are wonderful, Bobby’s a good kid, and Ian… well, Ian’s always been cordial. 

“All right?” Ben asks, raising an eyebrow. Callum can’t get the key into the parlour’s door, his hands shake and he keeps missing. 

“Fine,” Callum answers tightly, finally jamming the key in and hearing the lock slide over satisfyingly. Callum smooths out his hair before turning to face Ben. “Are we late?”

He hurries across the pavement and Ben’s smiling amusedly. He puts a hand out to Callum’s arm to stop him rushing down the road. “Babe, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” Callum says quickly. But his eyes avert and he smooths out his hair again.

“Callum. Callum, look at me.”

He turns his head and Ben just waits, hand still against the elbow of Callum’s suit jacket. Callum takes a deep breath, letting it out gustily and casting his eyes upward before he lands back on his boyfriend’s gaze again.

“I’m just a little nervous, all right? Me, a family thing…” He trails off and waves a hand. “I know it’s important to you.”

“This lunch is just a last-minute thing for Mel, it’s not even that big of a deal to be honest —”

“It is though,” Callum cuts in, insistent. “Your family is important. I want to make a good impression.”

Callum sees Ben’s eyes soften, his head tilts as he understands the source of Callum’s jitters. Ben takes a pause and squeezes at Callum’s arm. “You already have,” he assures.

Callum smiles but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He knows Ben’s telling the truth, but everything is so new. Not just with Ben but in this new life of being true to himself, true to what he always knew was there inside him that he’s just starting to accept and embrace. 

“We can skip this if you want, believe me I’m looking for any excuse to not go,” Ben ducks his head to catch Callum’s eyes and his boyfriend smiles back at him.

“I want to go,” Callum assures. “I want to see your family.” He reaches a hand up and cups Ben’s jaw, runs his thumb lovingly across the crest of his cheekbone. “But you’re sweet to offer.”

Ben’s pleased, he can’t hide it, not even if he tried. Callum notices his brightened features and he reaches his hand out, which Ben takes. Their fingers lace together, slotting into place, and Ben runs his thumb across Callum’s. It’s a quiet comfort that Callum takes gratefully.

“It’s really hard to say no to you, you know that?” Callum teases as they walk in the direction of the Beale house. Ben just grins, a sight Callum loves to see, and squeezes his hand.

  
  
  
  


**3.**

  
  
  
  


Callum’s sure he’s got liquid sugar running through his veins by the time they all leave the Winter Wonderland. He’d had a sweet coffee on the way there, shared a hot cocoa with Ben, shared cotton candy with Lexi, and had more sweets than he can remember. It’s the faint buzz that makes him take Ben’s hand as they walk home, twirl him around under his arm like a ballroom dancer and gather him close to his chest.

Ben laughs out loud, but lets himself be pulled into Callum’s embrace. “You’re cheerful,” he comments.

“Christmas spirit’s inside me, I guess,” Callum winks. 

Ben’s eyebrows shoot up into his hairline at the innuendo and when Callum realises what he’s said they’re both laughing too much for a proper retort. Their hands are still linked, pressed between their chests, when Ben takes stock of where they are.

“I see you brought me back to our park bench,” Ben observes. “Coincidence?”

“Just wanted to be alone.”

Callum stares down into Ben’s eyes, hooded and dark, and he rolls his fingers in their embrace. He feels a beat against the back of his hand, the comforting _thump thump_ of Ben’s heart.

“Good place for it, then,” Ben answers back. His voice is suddenly pitched lower, volume down, husky and coming from the center of his chest. “Come here,” he murmurs between them.

Callum doesn’t have far to go. He leans in and down, touches their cold lips together and feels them warm quickly, holding Ben’s cheek with his free hand. Ben’s arm slides around his waist, up under his coat, and he presses further into Callum’s space, their knees touching.

It turns heated fast. Ben sighs into open-mouthed kisses and it’s the only encouragement Callum needs to deepen them, support Ben’s head with an open palm as he tips it back, pressing their tongues together. 

He’s not sure how long they stand there in the middle of the darkened park, hands clasped between them and snogging like horny teenagers. Callum’s got his mouth low on Ben’s neck, coat unbuttoned slightly as he works the soft skin between his teeth and relishing in the sounds he pulls from Ben’s throat. 

“Babe,” Ben keens into cold winter air, blissfully alone and surrounded by stars, “ _Babe,_ ” he pleads.

Callum pulls away minutely, confusedly, eyes blown and dazed, lips kiss-bitten.

“Take me back to your bed,” Ben whispers between them, their own secret in their own atmosphere, isolated from Walford and the world.

Callum lifts their linked hands, his arm coming up around Ben’s shoulders, their hands across Ben’s chest. They walk home along the dark streets with no distance between them, heads together. 

Callum can’t imagine a Christmas better than this one.

  
  
  
  


**4.**

  
  
  
  


Ben looks blearily at his watch, but can’t make out the numbers.

“Oi, oi, oi,” he calls, shoving at the shoulder of the person next to him, “What’s that say?”

He taps the face of his watch with a pleasantly-buzzing hand, vision too blurry to see the woman’s annoyed look as she cocks her head. “Half-past eleven.” 

“Already?” Ben chuckles to himself a little, “Time flies, eh?”

The woman’s already turned around though, so Ben makes a face to the back of her head.

“Real nice, Ben,” a voice comments over his other shoulder. He whips around — too fast — and shuts his eyes to try and calm the spins.

“What d’you doing ‘ere?” He slurs out, and Lola rolls her eyes.

“I’m here to take you home, it’s late.” She’s pushing back the three empty glasses in front of Ben, stacking them at the edge of the bar for collecting, reaching for the bottle in Ben’s hand.

“I ain’t goin’ anywhere,” Ben insists. “I’m here, havin’ a drink and enjoyin’ myself. I don’t need no supervision.” To drive the point home, he tugs the bottle back towards him, and takes a long pull. Lola tugs it back out again.

“Ben, I really think — ”

“Why don’t you do one, Lo, okay? I ain’t leaving.”

Her lined eyes flash. “Fine, have it your way. I wasn’t going to tell you but since you’re being a right prat, you can find out for yourself who I saw coming up from the Tube on the way over here.”

Lola slams Ben’s bottle back down on the bar and storms away, missing Ben’s panicked look in her direction. He watches her tiny form push through the Vic’s heavy doors all the way across the pub, and like it was planned that way, a much taller, much broader figure comes in when she leaves.

“ _Callum_ ,” Ben murmurs.

  
  
  
  


It’s only been about fifteen minutes but Ben hasn’t dared to look up from his phone. He’d grabbed it when he saw Callum walk in, pretended to be absolutely enthralled with it, and ordered his drink without making eye contact with the bartender. He’d switched back to whiskey, two fingers worth in a short glass held in a hand that shook when he lifted it to his lips.

 _Callum._ In the same space as him after weeks of being gone. Ben could never say it out loud and could barely admit it to himself but just knowing he was nearby was somehow soothing. He keeps zoning out, staring at his phone screen and not seeing a thing. _Callum, Callum, Callum,_ his mind chants. He missed him so fucking much.

Ben orders another whiskey. When he dares to look tentatively up in Callum’s direction, he sees Stuart and Rainie with him. They laugh at something Stuart says, telling a story with big arms and animated gestures and Callum looks like he’s wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. His face pink with happiness, fingers flexing at the neck of his beer bottle.

Callum looks… _happy._ Smiling and laughing and with his own little family. Where Ben expects to feel anger, bitter cold and jealousy deep inside his chest, he only feels hollow. A carved-out cavern under his button-up, dark and stormy.

He throws back the last of his drink and pulls out his wallet, the gold _BM_ staring up at him. _Fuckin’ hell, he’s everywhere._

Ben slaps down a few bills and stands up too fast from the bar, stumbles into the person behind him. 

“Sorry, I —”

Callum stares down at him, eyes big and bright. It’s been weeks since he’s seen those eyes, even longer since they looked at him with love.

“Ben.”

Callum’s voice is neutral. God, it’s like they’re strangers now. _Maybe we always were._

“Callum,” Ben tries to match his tone but fails. It gets stuck in his throat, his mouth dry from too much booze and hands shaking.

“How are you?” Callum asks coolly. _We really are strangers now,_ Ben thinks.

“Fantastic,” Ben answers immediately, the truth obviously not being an option. “Car lot’s good, Arches are good, things are good.” Ben’s slurring again, and he puts his coat on, buttoning it from the top down. “Good, good.”

“Good,” Callum nods, and it’s not meant to be a joke, but Ben laughs anyway.

“You’re funny, Callum. So funny. I’ve missed how funny you were. I’m leaving now. I can’t be here anymore,” Ben pats Callum on his arm, trying to be patronising but really just wanting to feel him again. He can’t even deny it. His emotions threaten to pour out and when that happens Ben’s carnal instinct kicks in: _run._

“Ben —” he hears Callum say when he pushes past him, and it’s just a few seconds before he makes it to the Vic’s heavy door, out into the cold night’s air. It’d rained earlier, the smell of wet pavement and soggy earth refreshing to his senses.

“Ben, would you wait?” Callum’s voice rings out across the empty square, the punctuated laughter from inside the pub vanishing when the door closes behind them. “You don’t have to rush off.”

“But I do, Callum,” Ben retorts quickly. “I do because I can’t even look at you right now,” and _fuck_ the truth is out there before he’s had a chance to hold it in, the alcohol making his voice wobbly and his inhibitions non-existent and fuck _fuck_ and more is coming up like sick, “I can’t be in the same place as you, not now, not when I haven’t seen you in so long and things are utter _shit_ without you, I…” 

Callum’s following him down the road in long strides and he finally catches up to him, his hand coming down to catch Ben’s. “Will you stop? Please,” Callum begs.

He’s whipped Ben around to face him and they find themselves on the pavement, Ben on the kerb and Callum in the street below. Like this their gaze is equal, eye to eye. Ben feels Callum drop his hand after a moment and it’s cold, suddenly they feel miles apart. 

“You owe me an explanation, Ben,” Callum accuses. “I know you care about me, and I want to know why you ended things.”

His voice sounds harsh. He’s angry, Ben sees the hot spots of scarlet splashed on his face and the way his eyes flash under long lashes. He doesn’t blame him. He has every right to be angry.

Ben wants to be angry right back. It’s easier, anger. It hides everything in shouting, in targeted insults that you don’t really mean. The damage is quicker with anger, more bloodshed sure, but there’s no consideration for feelings or outcomes or anything other than the end goal when you go with anger. Things get finished a lot messier, but a lot faster. _Bang._ Game over.

But Ben looks at Callum, lost into cavernous eyes, and all he sees is love staring back at him.

Ben sighs when his eyes shut, watery behind his lids, and his head drops. Callum’s hands catch him immediately, palms warm and thumbs grazing at the soft shells of his ears. 

“I love you, Ben. We can talk this out, we can work through it. Whatever it is, we can start over.”

“God, you don’t know how much I want that to be true,” Ben whispers tightly, voice choked. It’s useless to hold it back now, really, it’s useless to hold it back whenever Callum is concerned. The truth always finds a way out.

Against everything his heart wants, Ben wraps his fingers around Callum’s wrists gently, slides the warmth of his hands off his face. He wipes hastily at his eyes, feeling foolish and weak, unable to look his ex-boyfriend in the eye.

“Just leave it, Callum, please,” Ben begs. He buttons the top of his coat and turns away from his heart, from everything he doesn’t deserve.

  
  
  
  
  


**5.**

  
  
  
  


_I never really believed that we’d work out. I never let myself believe it. Because you’re a good person, and I’m not._

_So then why are you here?_

_Because you make me want to be... better._

Callum takes a pull from his pint, looks at Ben sitting next to him at the Vic, checking his email on his phone again. In an odd way, it feels full circle, and like no time has passed. They’re together again, in their own world.

It’s only been a few days since Ben came back to him, said he wasn’t leaving and that everything he wanted and needed was right here in Walford. They spent their time getting reacquainted after weeks apart — in Callum’s flat, Ben’s room at Ian’s, the car lot, the Arches. They’d kept each other busy.

Ben puts a hand on Callum’s thigh and looks up at him, smiling, like he could read his mind.

“Did I tell you I saw you one night, after I went on a date?”

“A what?”

The Vic is loud and bustling, so Callum isn’t sure if Ben doesn’t hear him or he’s just incredulous. “I went on a date. Rainie set me up on it, he was nice but I, uh —” Callum takes a hard left turn at that line of comments and changes directions, “I left early and I walked by a shop and I saw you with Lexi. She was giving you a sticker.”

Ben puts his phone face down on the table and turns to look up into Callum’s eyes. Everything in his look says he knows exactly what Callum’s talking about so he just goes on.

“It was this little round sticker I think,” Callum makes a gesture with his index finger, a circling motion around his opposite palm, “She said she’d got it for being good. And then she gave it to you.” 

Ben’s expression still hasn’t changed and he’s quiet for so long that Callum laughs a little, awkwardly and uncomfortably. “Do you not remember, or —”

“I remember,” Ben answers quietly. He sits up a little higher, sheets his body in a little further. “I just… You were there? You heard?”

“Yeah,” Callum smiles, chuckling. He drops his hand to Ben’s on his own thigh, reaches under his palm and strings their fingers together. “She knows you’re a good person, Ben. Just like Lola, Jay, your mum,” he runs his thumb over the back of Ben’s hand. “And me.”

Ben’s face is unreadable, but Callum knows him and knows he doesn’t always take compliments and encouragement well. He’s told Ben many times before that he’ll keep saying it until Ben believes it, and even after that, too. 

After a long pause, Ben brings up their hands, turns them over to press a kiss at the smooth back of Callum’s. 

  
  
  
  


**+1.**

  
  
  
  


It’d been a long day. Ben feels the ache in his bones, the deep pull of exhaustion through every pore of his body. 

When he hadn’t been able to hear the dimmed sound of the drawer closing, the water cascading off the sides of the sink, even a hint, Ben had lost it. He had felt the cold waves of anxiety washing over him as his heart pounded, the next thing he knew he was leaning into the counter and his vision was tunneling.

He felt arms come around him from behind, Callum’s strong ones. Ben tried to fight him off at first but eventually he let himself be gathered up and held, brought softly down onto the kitchen floor in a heap like the headcase he knew he was.

Callum stroked his hair for a long time, Ben’s face pressed against the soft material of his t-shirt. He felt palms slide in wide circles across his back as he cried openly, hiding wet eyes against Callum’s chest. 

Ben’s not sure how long they stayed there like that, the pounding of his heart loud in his ears, seconds ticking by that felt like days.

Eventually, Callum gets them up the stairs into the bathroom, a cold, wet cloth on Ben’s face to wipe the tears and ease the angry, red puffing around his eyes. He keeps Ben close, one hand around his waist as the other presses lightly into the soft skin of his face. 

Ben can’t look at him. It feels like defeat, Callum’s eyes full of sadness and frustration and red with unshed tears of his own and Ben hates it, _hates it_ with everything in his being that he’s the cause of it. Someone to be pitied, to be felt sorry for and waited on and he can’t stand it. Distantly, he feels the pound of his heart speed up against his ears again, an echoing sound that threatens to get louder.

His breathing had picked up and Callum had noticed, and without exchanging words he feels Callum’s hands drop the cloth and come up under his chin. He pulls him into a kiss, soft and chaste, a simple press of lips against Ben’s that he holds. _I’m here,_ Ben feels in the stroke of Callum’s hands against his shoulders, across the hinge of Ben’s jaw and supporting the back of his neck. _I’m not going anywhere._

Callum keeps him there until his heart rate slows again, pressed against his chest and breathing slowly, in and out. In and out.

When they make it to Ben’s room, Callum closes the door behind him and gets his shoes off. Ben sits at the edge of the bed and starts to unlace his own, Callum taking them from his hands and placing them next to his own once they’re off.

 _Why are you staying,_ Ben wants to ask, watching Callum lean down and loosens the buttons around Ben’s neck, grip the hem of his shirt, Ben raising his arms mutely as Callum slides it off. _Why are you with me, why are you putting up with this, why is this okay with you, why haven’t you left already._

But Ben doesn’t ask any of that, just lifts up when Callum gets Ben’s jeans undone and tugs at the legs to get them off. He has a pair of sweatpants on the floor next to him that he slides Ben’s legs into, keeping his socks on. 

Ben fights everything inside him that wants to run. To push Callum away, to scream that he can take care of himself and to stop pitying him. His heart pounds against his ears again, and Callum stands and walks around Ben, pulls the duvet back, tugs gently at Ben’s shoulder to get him to climb in.

He does what Callum urges him to, sliding into the cool sheets and laying his head against the pillows wordlessly. _Stay_ , he wants to say out loud, Callum’s form looking like it’s going to retreat. But he doesn’t have to, Callum only turns to take off his own jeans and zip-up, sits at the edge of the bed parallel to Ben when he gets his socks off.

Ben watches Callum’s back as he tugs the hem of his own shirt up, white cotton clearing his head and revealing the mottled watercolor of purple and black around his torso. Anger floods instantly into Ben’s chest like a dam breaking, remembering how good it felt to make a fist and smash it into Keanu’s stomach, wishing it had been his pretty boy fucking face instead —

Thankfully, Callum laying next to him takes him out of his memory. He feels the duvet come up around his back, Callum’s hand stroking down his bare shoulder underneath it. It’s grounding, and Ben finally feels his mouth unglue when his heart rate comes down.

“Thank you,” he whispers, and he knows it comes out graveled, the skin in his throat burning. “For everything.”

Callum just nods. There’s no need to talk about anything else right now and for that, Ben is grateful. He doesn’t think he could arrange his thoughts into a proper sentence let alone speak them outloud. 

Callum lifts his hands near his eyes, makes a closing motion with them. _Sleep_ , Ben sees his lips form. He remembers the sign as one Lexi taught him when he tucked her in a few nights ago. She must’ve taught Callum.

Ben nods, too. Not wanting to jostle Callum’s injured ribs, he turns on his side carefully. He feels the mattress dip when Callum edges closer, fits his arm under Ben’s shoulders. Ben reaches behind him to take Callum’s other hand, wrap it around his chest, fully enveloped.

He feels safe like this. Callum has always made him feel safe and good and he wants to stop fighting it, with every fibre of his being. But Ben can’t pretend he’s got the first idea about how to go against everything he was brought up to believe — that he’s a good person, not a disappointment, that he’s worthy of love, not worthless, that he’s someone people want in their lives, not someone to cut out. 

Ben slides his hand into Callum’s, feels their shared heartbeats in the spaces between their fingers. He can start here. A hand to hold, a heartbeat to feel within it. 

“I love you,” Ben says into the darkened room. He can’t hear his own voice, but his chest rumbles with sound, and most importantly, he knows Callum hears him. He pulls him closer, a soft press of his lips to the back of Ben’s neck, moving with words answering back. 

_I love you, too._

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/kay_okays) and [tumblr](https://kay-okays.tumblr.com/) xoxo
> 
> thank you for all the nice things you say about my fics. <3


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